Some necessary changes or Voices should not be silenced...

Two events occurred so seamlessly that they upturned my world in ways I was not expecting. The first was innocent and my own fault. This would be the project for halloween. Most of my life I have had others telling me what to do, so I resorted back to that under the disguise of some fun little project for the blog. Afterwards though I just felt like I have most of my life, which is that I was allowing someone else to dictate to me what to do with my life. This is definitely not the recommenders of the various films fault. They had no clue I'm sure that this was something I have been struggling with for a long time. I keep trying to get others to dictate so I don't have to either do the things I want or need to do for my own life. It is a defense mechanism and it sucks. I was drained after this occurred so I stepped away to figure out why I felt so sick and fed up with the blog after something I wanted to do. I analyzed it and that was the conclusion I came to.

When I felt ready to return and figure out where I wanted to go from there the election happened, which I have already discussed somewhat. I was petrified and it has caused me to be somewhat reluctant to get back out there. I felt and still feel myself going deeper into my own shell, but I am trying to find ways out right now of that. I am pushing against that and saying yes we have done this before and all it gets us is sadness. I don't want that at this particular point. I am trying to figure out new ways of moving forward. This being said I know I have to start listening to the voice that is my own  and letting it guide me forward. 

With that being said here are a few things I know for sure...

I originally started this blog to read, watch, and do things I feel like I hadn't gotten  to do previously. That focus became very muddled in other drama and other things. I want to focus heavily on the reading aspect of this. I want to read books from the past that I never got the chance to read due to horrible circumstances. I want to focus on finding some peace of mind in this aspect of my life and that means it is imperative to let that be a focus. 

I will always support other bloggers and what they are doing, but another thing that I have to do is begin to remove myself slightly from the bloggers that I have become attached with because they are not actually in my blog wheelhouse.  By that I mean I want to focus so heavily on books that I do not fit really with toy collectors, but I feel like through a friend's love of toys I have been  some what pushed in that direction. I am removing myself from it because that is not who I am and not where I want to go with this blog. Most of my life I have allowed others to influence what direction I take in life, but I cannot keep doing that if I want to be happy.  Each individual must find and listen to their own voice and mine has been telling me something is off with my blog for awhile. It simply was myself forcing myself into the wrong peg of the wooden toy of life. I don't want to keep feeling that in regards to this blog, so these changes have to occur.  I also do not blame this friend for this is a struggle I'm dealing with that they, I believe, were not fully aware, so malicious intention was never even on their mind with pushing me in their love of toy direction. I appreciate others that have a deep love for toys and while I have a deep appreciation for a few lines I do not have that deep passion that those in that blogging community have, but I do have it for books. I feel alive when I find a book at Goodwill that I have wanted, so I understand that passion toy bloggers and I am glad you embraced me for the time I was involved in that community. Tomorrow, Monday, I will be doing my last pop culture league challenge here at the library. This was not an easy decision to come to since I get good traffic from the challenge, but I realize that the traffic is not from my community. I hope none of the toy community thinks I am belittling their love because again I am not. We both have passions for items, just not the same ones. 

Another aspect that I feel like I have skimmed over was a desire to find my own voice in my community as a transgender person. This means I will be focusing at least once a month on a prevalent issue attached to the community and also be trying to read at least one book a month on this subject matter to discuss. This will help me not only better understand myself, but also provide me a way to connect hopefully to my own community better than I have recently. 

I have found the posts where I state my own opinion on things to be invigorating. I feel like it is me finding a part of myself that I was never allowed to have. This will become a regular part of the library as I desire to post a weekly rant video on something going on either in the larger world or my own. These may become slightly political in nature or may be humorous at times. 

The other aspect of fully engaging my own voice or discovering it will be that I will be writing more often. This is for two reasons. 1 being I will be in classes starting January 9 at Indiana University, so I need to constantly keep those skills oiled up to use. The second reason is I have always wanted to write in some capacity. I wanted to be a writer at one point of my life but bitterness set in and I gave up that dream. I started thinking I can never be a Hemingway or Austin, so what is the point of even trying. The point is happiness, release, having a voice, and honestly of course I am not going to be those authors because I am Cassie Winters. That is the person and writer I should be striving to be. Writing shouldn't be a comparison fame game for me, but instead should be about again finding my own voice. The voice that was deadened to me by certain members of my family and now I want it to scream, no shout, no yell from a freaking mountain top. This is why making these changes are vital. They will allow me to keep singing a beautiful song instead of becoming a wilted flower. I will be doing videos at least once a week for my rant video, but the majority will be written to help me Hine and craft those specific skills. When I feel like recording more those will naturally occur in the schedule. 

Because I want to focus on books so heavily here at the library and I want to start writing more I will actually be starting a couple of other blogs. One won't launch until January because it will be a media blog with a friend and I will be doing my last bit of media on the library during Christmas season. So look for that blog starting around the same time I start the Babysitters Club challenge for myself. The other will start sometime this week and will focus on my writing a short story, doing a writing assignment from a book, or something similar with writing.  I imagine since I have numerous writing books that it more than likely will be that at the beginning. This will meet all the goals I have, but also allow people to visit whichever blog is more their individual speed. More details on the January blog will be forthcoming as the start date approaches. There will probably be a few teasers between now and the first of January as well. 

I greatly appreciate anyone and everyone that has been viewing my blog and I hope you will join me on this next leg of my journey as well. 

As always, Thank you for coming to the library. I hope you check me out again real soon.

Images from Google search. All rights given to respective owners and used here purely for entertainment or adding value to blog posting. *May contain typos because this was written on my tablet and the stupid thing autocorrects even when it shouldn't. Sometimes it doesn't even show it correctly on my screen until I have moved on and posted.*